Theatrical Release: June 20th, 1976
DVD Release: November 14th, 2006
Directed by Don Jurwich
Review by Craig Sorensen
If you ever wanted to hear Fred from Scooby Doo having his penis bit by a chipmunk while he fucks a tree then Once Upon A Girl is the film for you. If, however, you demand a high caliber of humor in your animated pornography then you’ll be sorely disappointed. Yeah, this film is dumb and the animation is sub-70s-Hanna-Barbera but there is a certain charm to the naughtiness. It feels like it was written by a 15 year old but still, that charm is there. Maybe it’s my nostalgia for bad Hanna Barbera animation.
So our film begins with a live action framing story. Mother Goose (Hal Smith of The Andy Griffith Show) is on trial. Seems she was picked up for lewd behavior. She’s been wandering around town telling the ‘true’ versions of her stories. So she tells the judge and jury a few examples on the witness stand. First up: Jack and the Beanstalk. In this version of the story Jack is a sex obsessed teenager (voiced by Fred Welker who also voiced Fred, Jabberjaw, Megatron, Iceman and Mr. Mxyzptlk). He trades his favorite cow for sex with a gypsy and the magic beans everyone knows. He eventually grows the beanstalk and meets the magic harp who can play a song that makes everything (even inanimate objects) horny. He then meets the giant’s wife who, of course, uses him as a dildo.
Next up is Cinderella. This one actually sticks pretty close (as I remember anyway) to the original story, right up to the big ball. Cinderella shows up in a flying cake wearing a string bikini. The glass slippers are gone and so the Prince has to travel the countryside fucking every girl he sees until he finds a virgin (Cinderella of course). This story doesn’t have a happy ending however.
Finally we get the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Missing from this story is the wolf though. In this version, Red is trying to travel to a wedding. Along the way she runs into a hunter. He demands that she pay to cross his path. When she tells him that she has no money he demands to be paid in kisses. Red, being a naive young girl, agrees. Of course, the hunter doesn’t specify where those kisses are to be planted. So he fucks her of course. She has an orgasm and is a bit confused but happy. So she starts on her way only to run into another hunter. This keeps going as Red loses more and more of her clothing. She does eventually make it to the wedding but things don’t go according to plan.
So this thing has a lot of TV animation cred. In addition to Hal Smith and Fred Welker who have provided voices to most of your childhood favorite cartoons, director Don Jurwich went on to produce many saturday morning cartoons including Laff-A-Lympics & G.I. Joe. Acourding to executive producer William Silberkleit, most of the animators were from Disney, working on this film during their off hours. Evidently, most of them were women as well. The animation sort of comes out looking like the bastard son of Hanna Barbera and Filmation. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of these animators didn’t go on to work for those two studios after this film was released. Most of the humor, despite being mostly sex jokes, really isn’t much better than ‘70s era Hanna Barbera. So if you think that Wacky Races is hilarious then you will probably enjoy yourself.
Severin’s 2006 transfer of the film still looks pretty impresive. The live action scenes are a little grainy and faded but not too bad. The animation though looks great. Colors really pop here, as they should. It still maintains a filmic look and hasn’t had all the rough edges scrubbed out (like the early Loony Tunes discs). Audio is only available in the original mono but it sounds just fine. You also get a theatrical trailer and a nine minute interview with producer William Silberkleit. He not only talks a bit about this film but also touches upon Linda Loveless for President, Detroit 9000 and my favorite, The Glove.