Adult, Comedy, Drama, Romance

Schoolgirl Report 12: If Mom Only Knew (1978)

Comments Off on Schoolgirl Report 12: If Mom Only Knew (1978) 25 December 2014

Schoolgirl Report 12 CoverStudio: Impulse

Theatrical Release: February 3rd, 1978

DVD Release: March 11th, 2014

Rating: UnRated

Directed by Walter Boos

Review by Craig Sorensen

At twelve goddamn volumes, you’d have to think that the Schoolgirl Report films would start to run out of steam.  And I guess from a certain point of view, you’d be right.  We’ve seen pretty much everything in this film done before in previous installments.  And you could probably say that about the last volume as well.  While the films may lack in innovation they are, at this point, the cinematic equivalent of comfort food (if you find naked German girls comforting I guess).  So, while I wasn’t really wowed by volume 12, I wouldn’t say I was disappointed either. 

Schoolgirl Report 12 002a

Our framing story this time around is pretty threadbare.  A group of students working for the school paper are reading letters to the editor.  That’s about it.  There’s a little half-assed stab at some sociological mumbo-jumbo but the filmmakers know that you’re not here for that.  So let’s jump right into the boobs.  The first letter involves Anne, a young girl with a much older brother named Helmut.  It seems that Anne has been harboring unclean thoughts about her dear brother for a while and a chance encounter with Helmut’s ex-wife starts the both of them down a dark path that ends in tragedy. 

Schoolgirl Report 12 003

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Our second letter is from Barbara, who is on a very strange biology field trip to a local farm.  As the instructor stands in front of a pig pin droning on about the survival of the fitest, her boyfriend decides that they should run off into the woods for a while.  She’s shocked to find out that he has a bit more on his mind than a nice nature walk.  Later, Barbara and two of her friends spy on a couple fucking in the bushes.  Too turned on to care anymore, Barbara sets out to find her boyfriend again.

Schoolgirl Report 12 006a

Letter three is from a student named Gaby, whose mother takes her to the doctor for an examination.  Gaby seems to get terrible migraines right before her Latin tests.  Gaby’s ditzy mom gets the date of the appointment wrong though and shows up on a date that the office is closed.  They wander in anyway and mistake the plumber, Herbert Ballermann, for the doctor.  He, of course, agrees to examine Gaby with his patented Ballermann treatment.

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Schoolgirl Report 12 008a

The fourth letter is the requisite downer of the anthology and involves a young girl named Etta.  She’s starts out as a straight A student but because of her deadbeat parents and finding her dead brother (suicide naturally), she slips into a life of sexual depravity, becoming a prostitute and addicted to smack.  And in the final letter, we meet Dina.  Her family is on their way to pick up a young, French foriegn exchange student.  They are shocked (and in Dina’s case, arroused) to find that the student, Niki, is not the young girl that they were expecting but a strapping male jock.  Dina, of course, sets out to seduce the Frenchman. 

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This has been one of my least favorite of the series so far (see my other reviews here, herehere and here).  With the others there was at least one segment that was so off the wall it made the whole DVD worth buying.  With this one I can’t really say that.  It’s not bad or anything, it’s just nothing special, you know?  The segments are amusing and the girls are cute so if you know what you’re getting into I don’t think you’ll be disappointed, just don’t go looking for anything too crazy I guess.  The transfer, as usual, is rough.  The print is not in great shape and there is damage throughout.  And the image is soft, like this is mastered off of a decent tape source.  It’s certainly watchable and only slightly worse off than the rest of the films in the series.  You get mono audio in German only, which is fine.  You also get optional English subtitles.  And as usual for the Schoolgirl Series, no extras.

Schoolgirl Report 12 010a

Rating: ★★★☆☆

- who has written 151 posts on UnRated Film Review Magazine | Movie Reviews, Interviews.

Craig hails from 'Parts Unknown'.

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